power, virtue, pleasure

I'm thinking about a former friend of mine who had very ambivalent feelings about motherhood. Apparently, her own mother advised her never to have kids. On the face of it, that just seems like a near-abusive thing to say to your child. It's also a variety of parental living-vicariously-through-your-kids-itis. But it's also her truth. I try to stick with the truth whenever possible, but this much truth is too much for me.

So I've been wondering about my own version of this. Would I ever confess to August that I find my current job more fulfilling than motherhood? I'm having a blast at work. I spent 4.5 years at my first job before I understood what I might get out of a job. Then I set out to look for the things I thought would give me satisfaction. First I pursued power, so I went to Microsoft. That was a mixed bag. Next, I pursued virtue (as most upper-middle-class American women are taught to do), so I worked in non-profit. That was eye-opening. And finally, I just wanted to find a flexible job I would enjoy. At my current job, I do the things I'm good at and like to do and I ignore the rest. It's my own cafeteria plan of power, virtue, & pleasure. My boss had the whole team take personality tests in order to improve team interactions. I tested as someone who needs to set goals and get shit done. I knew this. What I never considered before is that motherhood is quite the opposite. As a mom, you watch your baby reach goals and the shit needs cleaning up. I experience less satisfaction in helping people (including my own child) than perhaps the average person. So clearly, my job is more fulfilling to me than motherhood. This knowledge is somewhat of a burden. My inner feminist says that it shouldn't be.

Parenthood truly requires sacrifice and knowing where your own boundaries are. It's a good thing I'm so old I'm almost mature. And even better, Anand is my opposite in terms of personality. I couldn't do this gig without him.