dead grass
You know the saying, "the grass is always greener on the other side". Well for some reason, when you get two parents together, you get the opposite effect. I'm going to call it "The Grass Is Always Dead On The Other Side Phenomenon.
When I explain that August has been to daycare off and on since she's been one, the response I usually hear from the other parent is about how their child experienced something different. And it's pretty obvious that the other parent thinks their child went through some vastly superior experience whether they had a stay at home parent, a nanny, grandparents, or a different daycare. This response is partly due to the competitive mothering syndrome, but I also think that parenting is such a huge responsibility that many parents feel the need to reassure themselves that they somehow made the correct or best choice for their kids. Unfortunately, this usually means that all other choices by definition have to be inferior. If you look at the care provider options it's easy to see that no solution is a clear winner:
Stay at home parent
Pro: Kid has loving care
Con: Parent's career suffers & may be permanently derailed, parent has little or no help
Nanny
Pro: Kid creates bond with someone you think might be good to your child
Con: The nanny is a complete stranger for a while, what does nanny do when she needs a break?
Grandparents
Pro: Kid has loving if less energetic care
Con: Your parents will tell you what to do with your child and may not follow your instructions. Plus they already drive you crazy
Daycare
Pro: Kid has lots of friends her age and care providers to choose to bond with
Con: Can you trust a bunch of strangers to watch each other as they watch the kids?
I did this analysis when I was still pregnant so I was prepared to be flexible. First, I thought the nanny was the way to go. But we finished interviewing a few when we decided that if I had trouble watching my own kid for 8 hours straight without a break, the nanny would, times 10. Then I had various relatives stay with me but that ended shortly. When we looked at daycare, we had huge trust issues at first. But after watching how the care providers supported each other AND competed with one another to give better care, I was won over. It also helped that August loved meeting new people. A school full of strangers could have been intimidating for her, but it never was. Her "stranger anxiety" phase lasted just 2 weeks when she was about 18 months old. She hugs her favorite people at school. We got lucky, I guess.
Actually, there's no choice. Due to your own trust issues, quirks and the personality of your child, you just end up doing what feels right to you. So maybe the other choices feel that much more wrong. Or dead wrong.
posted by Connie @ 10:17 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
I agree & don't think there's a "right" choice; I think it depends on the family and child involved as well as circumstances (financial & otherwise.) I think any of the above could be a great solution and/or could suck.
Regarding the nanny, I personally think that would be the ideal job! :) I would love to be Nicholas' nanny. Because the key is, that the nanny goes HOME! The nanny gets to sleep at night, wake up in the morning and take a leisurely shower, eat breakfast, whatever ... It's not the 24-7 care that parenting is, whether you're at home or not.
In my experience, the downsides of the nanny are the $$$ involved (I mean, seriously; for awhile we were paying more for our nanny than for our mortgage) and then also what happens when the nanny goes on vacation?! (as ours does for ~3 weeks about twice a year.)
Anyway. Again, I echo the above, that I don't think there is one "right" solution. Tradeoffs, tradeoffs.
It's funny, I used to say I didn't want kids because I had taken care of my siblings and knew it was a ton of work. But nobody had the gumption to agree with me. Now that I do have a kid and I tell other parents I'm not having anymore because it's a ton of work, half the time the other parent agrees with me :)
Daycare/school doesn't have the "what if nanny goes on vacation/gets sick/can't show up" problem. And it's less expensive since the ratio is 4 kids to 1 adult. But it does have the problem that your kid has to like being in large groups of about 15-20. At this age, they're mostly loving towards each other (their hugs & kisses are so cute!) when they aren't busy fighting over toys. The kids also steal each other's lunch items when nobody's looking. Which is fine if its your kid doing the stealing... August isn't even 2 yet, but when she shows up at school, she has little friends and a care provider that greet her. She misses them and talks about them if she has to stay at home. Yep, mom is as good as chopped liver.
Post a Comment
<< Home